“I’m sorry” is a phrase that rolls right off the tongue. If you bump into someone on the subway, you instinctively say “I’m sorry”. Accidentally pass gas in a crowded theatre? “I’m sorry.” However, just because you said you’re sorry, it doesn’t necessarily show that you’re sincerely apologising. If you look at a collection of tweets from former US President Donald Trump, he uses the word “sorry” in each one – but does it sound like he’s actually sorry? If you’re trying to step up your apologies genuinely express remorse, then read on!
A quick and handy guide on how to apologise from a pastor.
Sorry, not sorry
Although there are many instances that warrant an “I’m sorry”, the most genuine apologies are offered when you realise you have done something wrong. What do you do when you’ve messed up and feel a compelling urge to own up to the mistake(s)? Every apology starts with some form of “I’m sorry”, but it’s what comes next that determines how your apology is received.
Let’s say a mistake happened that caused your team to be late on delivering an assignment – all because your junior mistakenly provided research for gouda investments instead of good investments. How should you apologise for this?
“I’m sorry for being late, but my junior goofed on the research so we needed more time.”
Sounds like a reasonable apology, right? You clearly weren’t the one at fault here, so pointing the finger at the guilty should establish your innocence, right…? Unfortunately, that’s not quite how it works. As someone’s senior, it is up to you to monitor them and provide guidance along the way. By not doing that, you’re highlighting your ineptitude as a leader and showing that you value how you look rather than the team’s performance. Instead of shifting blame, own up to the mistake. Here’s how this apology should look:
“We’re sorry for delivering the assignment late. I mismanaged the research process, and as a result we had to spend more time than expected researching information.”
Equally disingenuous are “I’m sorry if…” apologies, where you try to shift blame on the person you’re apologising to. For example, if you offhandedly made a bad joke and offended a friend:
“I’m sorry if I offended you with my bad joke.”
These kind of apologies are the prime culprits of “sorry, not sorry” mentality. Not only are you refusing to acknowledge wrongdoing, you are technically mocking the person you are apologising to for not being able to handle your brand of humour.
Apologies that use a passive voice aren’t much better, as they often appear robotic – the most heinous of these being apologies that claim “mistakes were made”. Those mistakes didn’t spontaneously occur on their own… Why not just say “I made a mistake” instead?
Due to the way passive and active sentences are structured, an active-voiced sentence has the subject (you) performing a verb (apologising) – whereas a passive-sentence has the subject of the sentence being acted upon by the verb. The filler distances the subject and verb, making the apology appear insincere.
Passive (no): “I’m sorry you were offended by my joke.”
Active (yes): “I’m sorry for making a bad joke and offending you.”
The road to change
The first step to change is acceptance – admitting that you made a mistake. Be specific about what you did wrong, otherwise you could be apologising for a million other things. Knocked over a priceless vase by accident? Say you’re sorry for that. Showed up partially intoxicated to a client meeting wearing mismatched socks and grubby shorts? Well… sounds like you’ve got several things to mention in your apology.
A heartfelt apology should also include recognition of how your mistake has caused grievance or inconvenience to the other person. Think about it from their perspective – how would you feel if your vase was broken? What if it was an irreplaceable family heirloom that had been handed down for generations?
Finally, wrap up your apology with a plan to make things right. Similar to a call-to-action, this is how you’ll motivate and inspire others to accept your apology – even if they don’t accept your apology, you’ll have a direction to work towards. Using the example of the broken vase:
“I’m so sorry for breaking your vase due to my clumsiness while playing Twister. I realise it was a gift from your grandparents and is priceless to you. Although I could offer to find a replacement, I know it wouldn’t be the same - so I hired a professional ceramics restorer from the museum to put it back together. I can’t guarantee it’ll look exactly the same as before, but I hope restoring the vase can begin to repair any cracks in our friendship.”
Mistakes are inevitable, but it’s ultimately up to us to take ownership of our shortcomings and find ways to improve ourselves. Although an apology is just a bunch of words, it can be the first step to making amends. If someone offered you a half-hearted, mumbled apology, would you take them seriously? Probably not. A sincere and thoughtful apology, however, can garner new respect and admiration – if you follow it up with meaningful change.