Pride flows through you as you reread your second draft. You’ve got all the core components, your message is clear and you’ve structured your sentences perfectly to ensure a concise flow. Does this mean your article is ready for publishing? We hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Steve Harrison (author of How to Write Better Copy) thinks there is still work to be done. Before you flip the table in frustration, let Wordsmith offer a few choice words in favour of a third draft.
Short lyrics contribute immensely to the catchiness of a song, like with “Milkshake”by Kelis. Can you imagine what would happen if modern lyricists filled every verse with pretentious wording?
Drowning in diction
We’ve already covered why fancy words and technical jargon can muddy sentence clarity, but did you know that jargon can also create suspicion amongst your readers? Harrison references a Citigroup press release filled with technical terms that illustrates this point:
“Citigroup Announces Repositioning Action to Further Reduce Expenses and Improve Efficiency.”
Long and obscure, the title doesn’t tell us much. What exactly does repositioning action mean? Let’s continue onto the first paragraph to find out – keep an eye out for all the business buzzwords too.
“Citigroup today announced a series of repositioning actions that will further reduce expenses and improve efficiency across the company while maintaining Citi’s unique capabilities to serve clients in the emerging markets. This action will result in increased buying efficiency, streamlining operations and an optimised consumer footprint across geographies.”
After reading through several lines of corporate-speak, we learn that Citigroup will be cutting expenses, but how they’ll do so isn’t clear. Forbes, on the other hand, provides a much more succinct version of the statement using only a headline:
“The Citigroup Bloodbath: New CEO Cuts 11,000 jobs.”
A lot of what Citigroup wrote could have been simplified. Mashing all these terms together not only confuses readers, but also reads like nothing of importance was said at all. “That journalist [from Forbes] sensed something even smellier beneath the press release’s steaming verbiage. If you use jargon [excessively without reason], your readers will detect the whiff of BS too,” describes Harrison.
More importantly, copy that is riddled with such terms can actually appear dishonest and insecure. Do you remember the last time you read a marketing piece filled with terms like diversify, convergence or disruption, yet despite all the proof they provided, you still doubted its authenticity? Harrison quotes a study from Professor Daniel Oppenheimer of Princeton University, where he found the use of pretentious language to have detrimental effects on credibility – its usage appearing as a sign of poor intelligence as well.
“Complexity neither disguised the shortcomings of poor essays, nor enhanced the appeal of high-quality essays. The mediation analysis suggests that the reason that simple texts are viewed more positively than complex texts was due to fluency,” concluded Dr. Oppenheimer. “Complex texts are difficult to read, which in turn leads to lower ratings.” When in doubt, follow the golden rule of writing: the simpler the words, the easier it is to understand.
A poor grasp of words can create unintentional consequences. Harrison references this oddly worded ad and questions whether the abused children or their witnesses are the intended victims
Precision intentions
Have you chosen the right words for the job? When we write quickly, we’re prone to using whatever word comes to mind first – leaving a potential pothole for readers to stumble and create misunderstandings. “As you read your copy, keep asking yourself ‘is this really what I meant to say?’” suggests Harrison. If you were to write a headline promoting a sale for toasters, which of the following headlines would be more suitable?
· Toaster Bonanza – The Most Popular Brands on Sale Now
· Toaster Bonanza Sale – We’ve Got the Right Model For You
When we use phrases like most popular, Harrison believes it to read off like a top-10 styled list. Maybe that’s the case if you were retailing only highly desired and top of the line models, but the personalised second option lets readers know that you have a wide range of products available – perhaps even budget-friendly models that the regular shopper may find attractive.
Carving out clichés and the superfluous
Clichés and “prepared phrases” like think outside of the boxare boring – which Harrison compares to a pot of instant noodles. Sure, they can be served in a jiffy, but anyone can buy them – making your speedy meal no different from theirs. Instead, leave those noodles in the basement and cook up something more modern, like consider all perspectives or to be resourceful.
According to Harrison, over 25 percent of an early draft contains superfluous material that can be cut without “losing one iota of meaning”. “When you first start the exercise, you’ll wonder where the cuts can possibly come from, but once you get going, you’ll recognise the words, sentences and whole paragraphs that are adding little to the message you are trying to convey,” he explains. Using the paragraph above, let’s see how we could give it a trim without disturbing its meaning:
Harrison compares clichés and “prepared phrases”, like think outside of the box, to instant pot noodles – readily available, but boring and unoriginal. Instead, try something modern like consider all perspectives or to be resourceful.
Abstractions are another form of unnecessary wordiness that can be shortened without fear of losing meaning. Why use retail outlet or place of residence when the simple shop or home works just as well? Furthermore, phrases like take action or with regards to can be distilled to act or regarding. If the word count is still too heavy, look through your adjectives and adverbs – how much is fluff? Finally, Harrison recommends getting the opinion of someone you respect for some fresh and unbiased perspective. “They need to be smart enough to see the flaws in your work, and confident enough to point them out to you.”
Draft editing is only stressful if you charge in blindly. If you’ve followed our tips and pointers, you’ll have made drastic improvements between your first and final draft. Was it worth the extra time invested?