Death is a touchy subject. Although it is an inevitable fact of life, it is a subject that many of us struggle with – especially when it comes to demonstrating sympathy towards somebody who has lost a loved one. Despite death being so commonplace, how to express condolences is rarely taught (and usually only after someone has already suffered a loss). Instead of taking a gamble, we think it’d be wiser to predetermine precisely what (and what not) to say. This way, we can both show our support and prevent any avoidable mishaps. Join Wordsmith as we figure out how to sympathise and condole with tact.
When compassion can fail
There’s no denying that empathy is an incredible social trait. We revel in our ability to share common experiences and bond with others over it. For example, breaking a leg from an unfortunate sporting accident sucks, but meeting someone who had the same experience is a unique starting point for making a potential friend – all through the simple phrase “I know how you feel”.
However, death is one of those rare instances where empathy may not always be the most prudent way to begin a conversation. This may sound rude, or even a little counter-intuitive, but the grieving don’t want to hear “I know how you feel” or “I know how upsetting it can be”. It is insensitive to compare your life to theirs. Even if you have experienced a loss, it is impossible to precisely know how the grieving is feeling, as the relationship between the grieving and the deceased will always be unique to them. The same can be said for something like “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my xxx as well.”
Optimism and positivity is another thing that people tend to do to when confronted with bad situations, but it can often seem unwelcome in such circumstances. For example, avoid saying “they’re in a better place now” unless you are certain that the deceased and the grieving believe in the afterlife – otherwise you’ll be pushing your beliefs onto them.
Additionally, messages like “it could always be worse”, “you have your whole life ahead of you” or “at least you got to travel for the funeral”, no matter how good your intentions may be, are the absolute worst things to say to the grieving. It can be considered morally wrong to find positivity from death (even if the deceased wasn’t a paragon during their time alive) – instead, give the grieving time to mourn and let them cope at their own pace. Asking them to be positive when they aren’t ready is far from being a sensitive friend or co-worker.
Approaching the situation delicately
Before offering condolences, consider your relationship with the grieving. Are you close friends or colleagues? Or do you barely know each other? Obviously, the closer you are, the more intimate of a message you can share… but it’d be a little weird to do the same with someone that you don’t know very well!
Before deciding what to say, pick a medium to deliver your message. Although texting and social media is the most common ways to communicate nowadays, a card or message in person offer a warmer way to show your compassion. Every message usually begins with some variation of the following:
· I’m sorry for your loss…
· My condolences for the passing of [name]…
· There are no words for the death of [name]…
There’s no set rule on how you should start your message, so use whichever you think is most appropriate… but what you say or write next is very important. Openers like “you must feel awful” or “I can’t imagine how you’re dealing with this”, although compassionate and empathetic, do nothing for the grieving. Instead of pitying them, just be present with them. Offer to share meals, watch a movie or do something together. They may still be grieving inside, but doing anything besides talking about their loss can be a breath of fresh air – especially since everyone else will be jumping to their feelings or how they’re doing right off the bat.
Offering to help is another common theme amongst such messages. While it’ a good idea, the delivery is often flawed. Consider the following:
“If you need anything, feel free to contact me any time.”
A very standard statement, but do you see anything wrong with it? Firstly, there’s no boundaries. If the grieving had a mental breakdown at 3 am, are they allowed to call you? Will you get upset for being woken up? If the deceased was their significant other, are you willing to offer physical companionship? It’s an unexpected (even inappropriate) line of thinking, but it’s not fair to put the onus of what’s acceptable or not onto the grieving. The grieving will never contact you if you offer something so vague – if you genuinely want to help, help them draw the line and avoid embarrassing themselves first.
A better way to phrase the entire thing is to simply ask them “what can I help you with?” or “what do you need done now?” Perhaps they may be feeling a lack of motivation to cook and have been living off of unhealthy snacks – offer to cook them a meal or to take them out to eat. Perhaps their front lawn has been untamed for weeks – offer to help mow the lawn. It may not seem like much, but the simplest gestures can have the greatest effect.
Let’s try an example where the deceased is the father of a close friend:
“I’m sorry for your loss. Bob was like a second father to me since we’ve been friends back in elementary school. Is there anything I can help you with? I make a mean lasagne and I’d be happy to make you one. The guys and I are also planning on going hiking the coming weekend, you’re free to join us if you’re up for a bit of the outdoors.”
Notice how we kept the message grounded and neutral. We didn’t emphasise the grieving’s suffering or how the death may be affecting them. Instead, we focused on the present and offered to help through small steps. Whether or not the grieving takes our help is another story, but actionable support will always be appreciated.
Now let’s try and example where we knew the deceased, but are not familiar with the grieving – eg. the spouse of a deceased co-worker:
“My condolences for your loss. Although I’ve only known Kevin for a year, he was an exceptional mentor and friend to us on the team. He spoke very highly of you during our lunch breaks as well.”
According to Cake, a site specialising in end-of-life tools and tips, “many co-workers have a superficial relationship.” However, “if you were close to a co-worker, it means a lot to reach out to that co-worker’s family.” From the perspective of the spouse, it can be awkward having a stranger contact you, but it’s also nice to hear or learn something positive about what others thought of their partner. “If he/she spoke about their family often, that’s a great detail to include in your note.” Whether you want to offer help or support is up to you, but we’d recommend that you keep things simple – like having a chat or coffee – as anything more should be better left to their friends and family.
In the case where the grieving is an absolute stranger, perhaps someone seated next to you on the subway who just told you about the death, then a few simple words of condolences is all you need to offer – e.g. “my condolences” or “I’m sorry for your loss”. Acknowledgement of someone’s loss and a kind word are always appropriate, but it’s best not to engage too deeply with complete strangers. Regardless, a small sign of support could help keep them going through a tough day.
Saying goodbye to a loved one can be a difficult task, but it’s one that we all have to deal with at some point. To the people around you who have suffered a loss, it is up to us as their family and friends to show them support. Sometimes the right words and a warm smile can make all the difference.